The Gift of Fear,  Protecting the Gift   Over the holidays I digitalized my music collection and also went through the books on my bookshelf with the goal of re-cycling those I probably won’t read again.   Gavin de Becker’s books are definite keepers.   They never leave my home, I don’t even like to lend them out.  I encourage one and all to buy copies of your own.  Of all the self-help books I know of, these two mean the most to me.  They actually represent lives saved in my counseling practice.   The information in these two books will give you confidence and the ability to protect yourself in threatening circumstances.  Much as I love my ability to think things through cognitively, I love my gut instinct more.  When it counts the most in life, we need to act and react quickly by listening to our instincts.  

Where there are sheep there are wolves.   Gavin DeBecker wants his readers to stay alive through anxious times, to trust their impromptu skills.  Google him.  Check out his Mosaic threat assessment system.    For those of you who read and then teach others, especially children, the preventive lessons provided in these books give peace of mind.   Prevention (error avoidance) is the best predictor for lowering stress/anxiety.  This knowledge informs my psychotherapy practice.  Let it inform your life too.  Let’s  each one teach one to grow in strength.  Happy New Year!

Finding out who we really are is the first step to becoming our authentic selves.  Years ago when I had an Irish Setter  I went to a lecture by a dog trainer.  A woman stood up in the audience and said to the trainer that her dog ate like a horse and ran and swam and seemed anxious all the time.  What can I do, she asked.  The trainer answered:  “You’re describing an Irish Setter”.   Moral of the story?  Identify and take responsibility for what you’ve got and deal with the reality.   In simple terms this describes what my clients and I do together in my psychotherapy practice.  We identify, we  get to what needs to be done to fix whatever’s not working for you,  and then, together, we  turn our direction towards tomorrow.

My teenage years were very unstable, both emotionally and physically.  My dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease and his fear of falling was a constant worry in our family.  Uneven ground seemed to rise up to meet him and his internal balancing mechanism was too slow to respond.   Partly as a response to his condition I took martial arts lessons.  In Judo, before you can defend or attack, you have to learn how to fall.  Later, as an adult when I was studying the Feldenkrais Method, we had to learn how to fall before learning how to stand on our heads. 

Life is full of bumps in the road. Learning to fall with a sense of artful grace creates enormous confidence in the face of uneven emotional ground and fractured times.  It is completely possible to take disappointments in stride,  to learn to fall and get back up again.  I offer you my experience, my training, and my eagerness to help you get back on track.

My hairdresser once told me that he recognized his clients’ vitality or illness by the condition of their hair. Weird but true, we humans are covered with as much hair as gorillas.  The function of hair is to connect us with our feelings.   Sudden fear makes the hair stands up on your arms and on the back of your neck.  When someone you like strokes your arm, warm emotional conductivity is increased through the hair.  We are bodily designed to be in touch.  We are designed to be social beings,  connected to one another.  .

Sylvia Nasar

I recently attended a lecture at the Rotman School of Business by Sylvia Nasar, author of the book (made into a movie)  A Beautiful Mind .  She was speaking about her new book , Grand Pursuit, The Story of Economic Genius.   It describes the history of money and people, economic efficiency, social justice, and individual liberty. 

A group of MBA students sat around me.  Their exchanges were interesting.  A young woman  said she was looking forward to being moved by the lecturer so that she could shift her student mind out of mathematical equations.   Two male students behind me held opposite views from each other.  One said he attended these lectures regularly to broaden his mind and expand his perspective; the other was attending for the first time and worried that he was wasting hours better spent studying in order to be first in his class so he could win coveted interviews for a lucrative position after graduation. 

The sum of their exchanges was the very reason for my being at this lecture.  I’m excited by people compelled to look beyond the bottom line and into a broader, more socially interested contract with society.  Our jobs and work life are important, but only one factor in our overall contribution to life. 

When the lecture was over I offered my thanks to the author for her work.  Her reply, “oh, yeah, ten years of my life…”sounded to me like an effort that had taken more from her reserve than she had anticipated.   It made her effort that much more an act of love for humanity.

One unit stands out from all the rest. Standing out has its risks and its rewards.   I lived in Montreal for a time and always felt a “check me out” energy vibrating in that city.   In Toronto, a city I have grown to love,  I pick up a different energy, more of a “what are you looking at?”  Getting checked out for being different can be disconcerting.

In a recent interview, Arlene Dickinson, sole owner of one of Canada’s largest independent marketing firms, was asked about her participation on the popular t.v. show, Dragon’s Den.  On this show, entrepreneurs pitch their business ideas in order to secure investment financing from a panel of venture capitalists.  One former panelist left the show citing that feedback to the entrepreneurs is too harsh.  Arlene agrees.  At the same time, she says:  “That’s life.  You’ll meet lots of characters in life who are hard to get along with and many who are less than pleasant.”  Arlene says she’s happy that she stepped out from her own comfort zone to be on the show.  She now gets to add her own stamp on things and enable more Canadians to venture forth on their own.

One of the best things in life is linking up with others who are kindred to your own sensibilities and then working together to make a good idea fly.  People  come to my psychotherapy office to find out how to make changes inside themselves so that they can get this collaborative process off the ground.   Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Change is my business.

Freeze.   Don’t go left.  Don’t go right.  Don’t go forward.  Stop. We’re familiar with the phrase fight or flight.  Neuro-science now introduces us to the freeze response as an integral link in the survival chain.  It’s an animal reaction.  When my dog is scared by a loud sound she stops dead, suddenly incapable of jumping up into her favourite chair.   

 Sometimes we want children just to stop.  Stop fighting.  Stop moving around, stop talking.  But when stop gets exaggerated and becomes the norm, profound withdrawal can set in.  That’s a place of discouragement for receiving and sending trust.  Loving becomes difficult.  

Statis or full stop is the hardest place to be in.  If you ask a member of the military which is more difficult, to stand at attention for an hour or to run, running is always the preferred option.  If a person in freeze mode is further traumatized, profound anxiety can set in.  

The good news is that the central nervous system can re-learn and re-exercise emotional mobility.  If you’ve become used to stopping and doing nothing out of fear of being further  frightened or traumatized, I can help you around your roadblock.  Give me a call.  Keep moving.

“What are you feeling?”  This question that can shut you down  or open you up , depending on how you are at the time and who’s doing the asking. 

“How are you?”     “OK.” “ Fine.”   “Good.”   One word, a single image, doesn’t even touch the reality of our emotional  responses to our lives.  We are collages of feelings.  Sometimes these feelings jumble up and restrict our ability to move forward.

As a psychotherapist with twenty-five years of training  and experience behind me I can help you paint your own  collage.  I hand you the brush.  You paint your portrait.  Stay in the picture.